Building a Marriage on Two Whole People

Originally published September 21, 2024

Discover why spiritual wholeness, not relying on your spouse for completion, leads to a healthy, thriving marriage rooted in faith.

Celebrating 23 Years 🎉💍

23 years! 23! It was September 21st, 2001. The world was so different—it was just ten days after September 11th, such an emotional and whirlwind time. My husband and I exchanged our vows at sunset on Captiva Island. It’s why you'll often find us celebrating on a beach somewhere.

• 2023 Anniversary Blog Post - Loving and Frustrating

• 2022 Anniversary Blog Post - Marriage is a Construction Zone

The Odds Were Against Us 💫

We came from different backgrounds. We desired different things in life. Like everyone, we each brought our own baggage. We've often shared that we probably survived our first few years of marriage only because we were stubborn. We each refused to be the one who gave up.

But something happened: we grew. We individually grew, and we grew in our faith.

My Unpopular Opinion on Marriage 👀

What almost did us in during those early days was a mindset many people hold. It’s very unpopular and not romantic, but I believe it’s true. If you're looking for someone to "complete" you, like that sappy movie line, you need to focus on something else.

💡 No person completes you. You need to feel complete without someone. Putting faith in anyone for completion leads to codependency and misplaced faith in people. That’s not where your faith should be.

Marriage Is About Two Whole People Coming Together

Marriage is not about finding someone who makes you whole. It’s about two whole people coming together to advance God’s Kingdom more effectively.

The Myth of “Completion” in Marriage 🎬

“The One.” Society tells us there’s "the one"—that person who is your soulmate. It’s beautiful in movies, books, and personal stories, but it can also lead to people wondering why God didn’t bless them with "the one," causing loneliness, depression, and rejection.

This week, I’m here to tell you: those feelings come from societal narratives, not from what God thinks about you. Even if you think you've found "the one," it can lead to dependency on your partner for emotional and spiritual wholeness.

Dependence on Your Partner Can Lead to Idolatry 🙏

Here’s another unpopular opinion: Ladies, depending on your spouse for emotional and spiritual wholeness can lead to idolatry. God is the only one who can provide emotional and spiritual wholeness. It doesn’t come from finding “the one.”

1 Thessalonians 5:23-24 reminds us:

“Now may the God of peace make you holy in every way, and may your whole spirit, soul, and body be kept blameless until our Lord Jesus Christ comes again. God will make this happen, for He who calls you is faithful.”

God will make this happen. Not another person.

Romans 12:2 (NLT) also says:

“Don’t copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God’s will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect.”

We Are Better Together ❤️

If you know me, you know I love my husband. We are opposites. We are better together. When our marriage had its toughest moments, it was because we thought we could be enough for each other to get the other person out of struggles we faced.

We never were enough for each other. We never will be. It’s only when we put our faith and trust in the One who will always be enough—the One who created us, loves us, and offers unmerited grace—that things changed.

The Importance of Being Whole on Your Own 🙏

God first, then marriage. Yes, marriage takes work—a lot of it. But are you putting in the same work for your relationship with God? That may be what you need to improve your marriage.

Sometimes we put the cart before the horse. I can set out to show my husband more patience and kindness, but if I’m not working on the root of my lack of patience, I’m missing something.

The Fruits of the Spirit 🌿

Galatians 5:22-23 says:

“But the Holy Spirit produces this kind of fruit in our lives: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. There is no law against these things!”

If I’m not bearing those fruits, something in my relationship with God needs work. When I work on that relationship, all my other relationships improve—including the one with my husband.

Self-Awareness & Personal Growth 🌱

Self-awareness and personal growth come from listening—listening to the Spirit and others. It comes from reflecting and responding instead of reacting. This raises awareness, and once you are aware, you can begin the work of true growth.

Awareness is the first step, and it’s a big one, but growing from that awareness is just as important.

At work, I’ve had a lot of coaching, and many books have been recommended to me on emotional intelligence. A year ago, I even wrote a post on the subject, and re-reading my own article helped me 😊.

Self-awareness and personal growth aren’t just for your career—they directly influence your relationships.

Avoiding Codependency 🚫

You often hear the term "codependent" in circles where a loved one deals with addiction, but there doesn’t have to be an addiction or mental illness to be in a codependent relationship.

Codependency: Excessive emotional or psychological reliance on a partner, typically one who requires support on account of illness or addiction.

Note the word "typically"—it’s not always the case. If you rely on your partner to meet all your emotional needs instead of relying on your faith, that’s codependency.

Still struggling to understand? It’s idolatry. If you are putting your spouse before God, that is idolatry, and as tough as it is to hear, it’s true.

Spiritual Stability 🕊️

When you are spiritually and emotionally whole, you can focus more on your purpose in Christ. When you focus on your purpose in Christ instead of fulfillment from your partner, your relationship with your partner becomes stronger.

Why? Because when we are rooted in Christ, the way we love God and love others changes, and we bear the fruits of the Spirit.

How to Cultivate Wholeness Before Marriage (or Within It) ✨

Faith & personal growth go hand-in-hand. If you’re still reading, you likely have a few questions. One of those might be: How do I nurture my relationship with God?

It’s not easy. Just like any relationship, it takes time and habits.

Earlier this year, I wrote a whole blog series on the topic. One of those posts focused on carving out time—small moments in the shower, while driving, cooking. What little moments in the day can you pivot your thoughts toward prayer and listening?

On the other hand, what big moments are you carving out? Quiet time in the morning? An hour of reflection?

Communication & Priorities 🗣️

This is also where communication comes in. Your partner and family must know that this is a priority for you. I've learned my husband can’t read my mind. If I want to wake up early and spend time in silence, I need to tell him what I'm doing.

If I don’t communicate, he might wake up too and feel offended when I’m not conversational in the morning. It’s also a great example for your kids to see.

A Personal Example 🙌

My dad's a pastor. When I was a kid, I remember my brother and I sighing when we saw him take out his Bible and books early one morning while we were on vacation. We said, "Of course, he's still working."

My mom responded, "He's not working, he's being a good Christian."

I can tell you exactly where we were that day. More than 40 years later, it lives vividly in my brain.

That memory is there for a reason—my dad’s time with God was important. And we knew it.

Are You Better Together? 🤔

At the end of the day, ask yourself: Do I serve God better with this person?

I’ll speak from my journey. I’m able to do the things I believe I’m called to do because I have the support of my husband. He understands my calling, and we live in a "divide and conquer" home. He does just as much around the house as I do. Are You Better Together? 🤔

Challenging the “Completion” Narrative 💬

I know this post might seem unromantic for an anniversary, but don’t think that means I love my husband any less. I’m smiling just thinking about him right now. He makes me laugh, I love traveling with him, and he is my opposite in a good way.

But none of those things are why we are a good couple. We’re a good couple because we are secure and confident in ourselves as children of God. We serve Him better together.

How We Stay Focused 🎯

1. We acknowledge that we evolve. We’ve been through a lot—sickness, health, ups, and downs. As a result, we’ve grown, and that means we’ve changed in some ways. You have to acknowledge that and support each other as you both grow.

2. Communication. Talk to each other and, most importantly, listen. You can’t read each other’s minds.

3. Be involved in a faith community. Christianity calls us to live in community. Find your community. Find your people, and show up for others—and in doing so, show up for each other.

Conclusion 💡

Back to that famous movie quote, "You complete me." It sounds beautiful, but it’s a slippery slope. People, as much as we love them, are people—and we all fall short. They can let us down, and we can let them down too.

People are not where you should place your identity. While marriage is wonderful, it should not be our identity. If your identity is rooted in your marriage, when it has its ups and downs, you’ll be up and down too.

Our identity should be in the One whose love for us is unconditionally consistent. When you’re rooted in that trelationship, all your relationships—including your marriage—are stronger.

💬 Reflect: Are you placing your identity in God? Does your marriage reflect a relationship rooted in faith?

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